It's The Dark Side for Me

Yesterday I awoke on the side of darkness, a place so void of light and hope and peace.  I lived alone in that space for all the hours of one day.  I fought and I clawed to try and get out but never seemed to manage it.  Defeated I could do nothing but ride out the wave and go wherever it would take me.  It was excruciating, it was intense and it was exhausting.  

Every day I see and hear my husband drowning.  Every day I see my friend floating out to sea.  I duck and bob and weave my way in and around these images day in and day out.  This day though I could not avoid...it was as though I was being held in place and forced to watch and watch and watch.  It brought me to my knees and the darkness swallowed me alive.

All the months that have passed and I still don't believe this is real, I still don't know how to process what has happened.  It was too fast, there was no warning and the white took you both. The love of my life and a dear sweet friend.  How could that be?  

I see it every day, how can I get well with the horror chasing me?  My only escape is sleep, when I sleep I am free.  I see no horror, I hear no screams, I dream no dreams.  I am able to go unconscious, find peace and gain strength to do it all again tomorrow.

Tomorrow I shall hope that the sun will shine for me.

The Ride

As I do every day, I check the posts on the Widows bereavement sites I am a member on...there are two of them.  

Some days there is nothing said.  All is calm?  Maybe.  Hopefully.  But I know that it could also mean that today is just too much, today is so very overwhelming that there are no words...oh, they're in there.  The words are in there, flying around our heads slamming against the edges of our minds wanting out...needing out.  But the pain is too great today to let the words come.

Some days one of us, or several of us, has reached out for comfort or advice or just to share a milestone, a thought, a prayer.  And some days there is a new 'recruit', a new member to the club none of us signed up for or ever wanted to be a part of...some days there is just that tentative, bleeding sentence that says something like 'I just lost...I just found this group...thank you for listening'.  And just like that we remember we are not alone even though ALONE is the second strongest feeling we women, we widows, feel.

Today there was a post from a new member to the group, a woman who joined the 'club' only three months ago...She is wondering if any of us has ever gone through what she is going through the last few days...no crying...no living, just existing,  sleeping yet waking exhausted. Working...chores...bed, working...chores...bed...is this a phase she wants to know.  Those of us a little, or a lot further along in the journey know it is not a phase.  It is just another kind of day, or several smooshed together to create a 'phase'.  It is delicate territory.  It is a welcome reprieve, it is a survival technique that our body knows is desperately needed at precisely this moment.  It is a day or a few given to us in order to take a deep breath, get our bearings, readjust.  It is just enough time to grab hold and climb up a little further on our journey, enough time to grab hold before the ride begins again.

It's not a phase, I tell her..."it's just the ride. Not a car ride either. It is what I would think a roller coaster would be like if I had ever been on one...great highs, fast and furious lows with lots of sharp yanks around every corner. On this ride I never know what each day will bring, a high, a low, a rough corner? I open my eyes and try to gauge but can't, I head to the kitchen for coffee almost in fear sometimes...is an arm going to reach out and pull me back down to where I have just worked so hard to climb up from? Am I going to be yanked around a corner I'm not ready for? All I can do is hold on and hold strong. There is a very good reason that at age 47 I have never put myself on a roller coaster, that kind of ride is not for me...yet here I am. Thrust on here by a horrific tragic event that lasted no more than 10 minutes. I have been sentenced to a lifetime of this ride I never wanted and all I can do is hold on, hold strong and learn how to get my feet back on solid ground once again while life spins around me at such a fast and furious pace. I do not believe it to be a phase you are in...I believe it to just be the ride you are on...you are not alone though, all of us here are sitting in the seats next to you, in front of you and behind you, and we say to you hold on tight sister..."

August 6th

Good morning my love...made it through!

Fell asleep early, 1am as opposed to 3:30...I think that's good for a change.  The thing I talked to yo about, the thing I've been struggling with...all I can say is I've done my best, I've done no wrong, I've tried and it is what it is I guess.  It's not what I would have chosen, but...In the past we had discussed this subject in great length.  You tried to explain, to get me to understand and I didn't fully, I didn't see it...now Iget it, boy do I ever...I'm starting to get a lot of things.  And all I can do is be sorry that is has been this way for you for so long and hug you in my heart...tight.

I love you my beautiful husband