Kate

A year ago all of us were off doing our own thing for Cinco De Mayo. 

Kristen was at some function where she had turned her phone off.  Laurel was doing I don't know what.  Kirk was at work.  And you...You were home with the boys and your mother in law making food and preparing to cook on the grill...you had just finished your first Margarita. 

I of course was sitting in a police station soaked with sea water, freezing and in severe shock.  I was waiting...waiting for the word, and when it finally came it was the worst it could be.

"Do you have anyone you can call, any family?" the officer sitting with me asked.

I couldn't think, I didn't know what to do, what to say, and I was shivering so ferociously, I couldn't work my phone.  The officer sitting with me took it from my hands and I said "call Kristen".  

No answer.

I said "call Kate", and he handed me the phone while it was ringing.  Poor Kate, you answered the phone.  Poor Kate.  I don't remember anything said...not one single word.  I think I gave the phone to the officer and he talked to you.  All I know is you answered and you came.  You came for me.

The phone call that would change your world forever.  That drive...two plus hours...how surreal that must have been.  How excruciating.  Poor Kate.

What happened after you finally made it, the walk we walked, what we saw.  Oh my poor Kate. You came for me.  I don't really remember seeing you, seeing your face but I know you were beside me the whole time.  You gave me your chapstick.  Cherry Chapstick.

That day we both saw so much, lost so much...and we broke into a million little pieces. Together.

There are no words for what that day was, no word means enough.  But what I do know is from it a friendship that means everything to me grew big and strong.  I know you were in shock and great pain yourself yet you hid it so you could do for me.  We have a bond born from that shared experience in the hospital for which I am so thankful.

I remember you sitting on my couch some weeks later and you said "well, one good thing has come out of this experience", and when I asked what you answered "us".  I knew you were right but I couldn't fully appreciate it at that point, I was too consumed.  Now though, I couldn't agree more.

You came running when I needed someone most, you kept your composure and your pain to yourself in order to take care of me.  You picked me up and carried me through the toughest of times and I love you so much for it.  I am grateful for you and I appreciate what you did for me.  I know that David is so very thankful that you stepped into a role no one would want, and I know that Evelyn is smiling down at you saying "that's our Kate".  

One year is just days away.  It has been such a hard year for me, for you, for all of us but one good thing came out of this experience...I got you!

I love you my Kateness.

Gratitude

Well, I am no richer nor poorer...I did however sleep 8 solid hours, first time in 3 months and for that I have gratitude.

For many many things I have gratitude actually.  Never think that I don't baby, you know me better than that.  I may write about great sadness...a lot.  The shear magnitude of the loss, the void, where you once were brings me there often and I cry.  Many many many times a day in fact, but those moments are fleeting.  They are just little bursts of energy...like fireworks...where you have the HUGE bang of reality and all the little fingers of light that reach far out into the sky but then just as fast they fall backwards and disappear as if ti never was.  Standing there, you know that you were rocked to the core and you still feel the vibrations inside, and you know you are now prepared for the next huge bang to come...

I am still no clearer to understanding, I feel just as lost and confused as to the purpose of all this. How such a dear dear man and a dear dear woman could be chosen, two very gentle souls taken just when they, you were hitting your prime.  I'm not sure I will ever understand David, I'm not sure it could even matter or make any kind of difference in my world...the knowing.  The loss is large, the void is big, the pain is time infinity but the love is far greater than all that.  The love is to infinity and beyond...said like Buzz Lightyear just for you babe.

So now, with gratitude in my heart, I say Good morning lover...and Good morning Evelyn my sweet sister.

Peace, LOVE and happiness!!  xoxo

The countdown

You were always so big on the countdown...to when you would travel to me, or when I would come to you...the hours the minutes the seconds until we would be in each others arms again. Being separated was always so hard for you, for me,  and the countdown just seemed to help. You always did it...right from day one.  

I keep a countdown of my own these days, only mine doesn't seem to help with anything, it just is a reminder...a reminder of how long we have been separated, how long it has been since we have been in each others arms.  A reminder of how much time has passed since I laughed with, and hugged one of my very best friends, since we toasted to our lives that we were loving so much. It is a reminder of how much time has passed since you and she left, and I stayed.  A reminder of how many days I have cried hard tears for you, for Evelyn, for me, for our families...for our kids.

So here it is...Silly, I know, but there it is in terms you can relate to my love.

3 months or 13.1 weeks

92 days or 2, 208 hours

132,480 minutes or 7, 948, 800 seconds

Life is good, I have always said so.  I have worked very hard to always see it that way, no matter what.  This circumstance won't change that, cannot change that...I won't let it. 
I still feel that life is good.  I know that I am a little lost right now, having a very difficult time seeing through to the light but I must do it.  I must see the good in everything or ALL of this will have been for nothing.  I know there is a reason I was left to walk away.

David, I am so sad and broken.  Some days I don't feel like I can even stand up but I do.  I do it all and I don't think most people I see would even know how bad off I am right now.  I work hard at being 'normal', everyone has enough on their own plates, they don't need to worry about me too.  Besides, this is my gig, my experience, my journey.  There isn't one single thing anyone could do or say to change it for me.  I am the creator of my own life. Only I can choose to lay down and cower from what the universe throws at me...or stand as tall as I can, with my chin held high and tears in my eyes...and dance.  And I choose to dance, to love life, to gaze at the beauty of this world that I live in, to stand in awe by the ocean as I have always done.  I choose to live for me, for my family, for my friends...I choose to live for you my love and for Evelyn.

Ours...2010

Evelyn 

Best Sisters...

Best friends...

I may no longer have the privilege to have you at my side for all of my life, or to gaze into your beautiful beautiful face, or to smell that wondrous scent that is uniquely you, or to lay my hands on you and kiss your perfect mouth.  But I have all those moments, from when I was lucky enough to have it all with you, stored safely inside my soul.  I go there often and I break down hard when I do... for the loss, for the joy, for the beauty of it all.  And when I leave that place and come back to the now, I smile and wipe away the tears,  because I know that I was so very very lucky and so very blessed that you loved me so deeply.  That you spent so much time looking for me,  that you found me, and that we were husband and wife...we were David and Kristen Machado.

L O V E

Woo Hoo!  How freaking lucky am I?  

So thank you my David, thank you for finding me, for loving me and for giving me what we had. I hope that where you live you are happy, safe, free and whole again.  That you can see me and watch over me and that you know how adored you are.  You are a special, special man.

And David...I hope you still dance too.

Peace, love and happiness on this 92nd day.