Then there was you

I'm in another low.  Ever since the new calendar was hung on it's nail I seem to have crashed. Will I ever get used to this ride?  I should be used to it after a year and a half, but I'm really not. 

I was driving home from the grocery store on the 1st and suddenly started crying.  I feel so removed from you and the reality of it all slammed into my head, as it does from time to time.  I cried that I haven't had a sign from you in so long and I kept saying 'I need to see you, I need to see you, I just need to see you'.  It's been four or five months since anything really struck me as a message from you.

I pulled into the yard and parked, sat for a minute gathering the strength to carry my purchases up the long flight of stairs, then got out of the car.  The very first thing I noticed was the very distinct call of Mr. C, your bird.  The bird that for me represents a visit from you.  I frantically looked around until I spotted him and I smiled and laughed through my tears.  You came.  You finally came to see me and just mere minutes after I was begging to see you.  

You have no idea how dumbstruck I was.  How do you do that?  I look out the window almost every day looking for Mr. C but he's never here anymore.  He's always been here and suddenly he was just gone.  

And then you came.  Thank you babe, I am so very blessed to have you.

Merry Christmas

And in the end I couldn't go. 

Instead I woke up early and gathered all the things I had bought to make at Thanksgiving but never did, and started to cook for GiGi and I.  The sun was shining and with no need to hurry and get ready to be somewhere it was relaxing and it was easy.  I cooked all day while GiGi rearranged her bedroom (what a nightmare).  Dust was flying, posters were ripped down and furniture was moved all around.  Now to put it back...ugh!  Swear words were flying, posters were ripped in half when tacks wouldn't stick in the walls and daggers were shot at me any time I asked if she wanted help.  I loved it!  It has been so long since she has been around, what with her 15 hour days.  She quit one job, did you know?  Do you see her?  Yeah, it was too much and she hit that proverbial wall hard.  It's good though, she needs a little down time and I need her home more.  Yeah...it's good.

When we finally sat to eat we both just looked at each other, exhausted,  and said 'this just all feels so wrong, so weird.' And it's true, while I am thankful for so many things, life for me, for us, right now is just 'flavorless'.  We ate in silence, lost in our own heads.  We have not come to terms with our new world.  Time has moved forward far faster than we have.  All we can do is hold on and try our best to keep up.  We think of how we left our family behind to become a new family here, and now that family is gone too.  We are sad and lonely for our loved ones and on a day when families everywhere are huddled close, making memories and breaking bread together it hits us hard just how deeply we feel our losses.  Just how deeply we miss you my love.  We never even finished our plates.

We miss you David, we struggle with life without you in it, but we want you to know that we had a very good day.  We are thankful for our memories and all that we have.  We love you dearly and you will always be with us.  We are so thankful that you were in our lives and that you loved us in such a big way.  

Merry Christmas my love, I hope your day was a great one.

It is in the simple gestures that courage comes

One thing I have learned over the past many months is that emotions swing minute by minute...moment to moment.

A relatively normal day can change on a dime, without warning and so swiftly it makes your head spin.

A smell.

A sound.

A sight.

A memory.

A song.

A word or two.

And of course the dreaded visions, which comes with all of the things listed above.  The damn visions hit me fast and furious at any given moment throughout my day.  They make me feel like I am going crazy...ok fine, crazier than I already was.  hehe  And really any other thing can send me right into the open arms of a vision.  My constant reminder of the horror of those moments, of my helplessness, of how I failed, of my mortality, of all that is lost.  But too, of the power of love and faith.  That in the precise moment I would fall,  a power greater than everything could fill me with strength and allow me to hear your final thoughts on this earth.  That is something I pray I will never forget.   Never.

And so it is, on a day I struggle to be strong, to be positive and step forward one foot in front of the other, a simple gesture falls in my hands.  

The mailman brings me a gift from an old friend.  A few words of love and encouragement, of friendship and humanity.

And it is in the simple gestures that courage comes.

I am blessed