Isn't it ironic

I was thinking about you today, about both of you. 

I was thinking about how when I was 15 you were both a part of my life at the exact same time, and the everlasting effect each of you made.  Of course you didn't know each other...but I knew both of you, and the outcome of both of those relationships, however big or small, made a lasting mark on my psyche.

I was thinking that my connection to each of you came to an end at the exact same time. Graduating high school ended one and timing ended the other.  I never forgot about either of you though and from time to time your faces would come to my mind.

I was thinking that, fast forward 27 years, once again you both came into my life at the exact same time.  Only this time you would meet and you would form an instant bond...both silly and full of life.  This time the connection would be for life...full of love and laughter and tears.  The friendship we three had was fun and special and priceless made even more so by the reminiscing of long ago shared memories.  How awesome is that.

I was thinking that only 3 short years later our connection would, once again, be broken never ever to happen again...at the exact same time.

How ironic.

The Wild and the Weak...

I have had a very difficult week babe...HA!  Sounds a little foolish coming off the year I have had but still...it's been rough.

The pain and sorrow I have been battling seem to have crept back to the forefront like an army of enemy soldiers.   After waging a year long war, I had managed to push the enemy back behind a line that let me breathe.  I have needed to catch my breath.  But alas, when I wasn't looking the enemy came screaming back in to the front and brought me down to my knees.  I have been left a screaming crying pile of rubble, I have been brought back to start.

Is this my new life?  Will I forever struggle with all that is left in me just to breathe and get up and do?  I'm not sure I will make it then, if this is it.  I'm so tired.  I'm just so tired.  Playing the role of normal takes away everything that was left inside me when I didn't see you come back to the surface,  when I never saw her signal she made it to safety.  In those moments everything I was left me.  I died too.

I have an old friend from high school.  We were best friends for a time.  Over the years, many years, we lost touch.  She thinks of me though, and the sorrow I live, and from time to time she sends me a token of hope and joy.  She extends a gesture of 'life' that has the power to carry me through a few more moments.  That is huge.  When darkness is all around me and there's nowhere left to turn it is these gestures from long ago friends that bring me to light.  It is huge...it is life.  It is an energizing breath.

Today I received this...

Allow

By Danna Faulds

There is no controlling life.

Try corralling a lightning bolt,

containing a tornado.  Dam a

stream and it will create a new

channel.  Resist, and the tide

will sweep you off your feet.

Allow, and grace will carry

you to higher ground.  The only

safety lies in letting it all in –

the wild and the weak; fear,

fantasies, failures and success.

When loss rips off the doors of

the heart, or sadness veils your

vision with despair, practice

becomes simply bearing the truth.

In the choice to let go of your

known way of being, the whole

world is revealed to your new eyes.

It's in the words, but more importantly it's in the gesture that I find strength.  Some amazing people touch my life.  I am blessed.

I love you David and I miss you in a very big way.

I love you Kathy and your kind heart.  Thank you for the strength of today.

Kate

A year ago all of us were off doing our own thing for Cinco De Mayo. 

Kristen was at some function where she had turned her phone off.  Laurel was doing I don't know what.  Kirk was at work.  And you...You were home with the boys and your mother in law making food and preparing to cook on the grill...you had just finished your first Margarita. 

I of course was sitting in a police station soaked with sea water, freezing and in severe shock.  I was waiting...waiting for the word, and when it finally came it was the worst it could be.

"Do you have anyone you can call, any family?" the officer sitting with me asked.

I couldn't think, I didn't know what to do, what to say, and I was shivering so ferociously, I couldn't work my phone.  The officer sitting with me took it from my hands and I said "call Kristen".  

No answer.

I said "call Kate", and he handed me the phone while it was ringing.  Poor Kate, you answered the phone.  Poor Kate.  I don't remember anything said...not one single word.  I think I gave the phone to the officer and he talked to you.  All I know is you answered and you came.  You came for me.

The phone call that would change your world forever.  That drive...two plus hours...how surreal that must have been.  How excruciating.  Poor Kate.

What happened after you finally made it, the walk we walked, what we saw.  Oh my poor Kate. You came for me.  I don't really remember seeing you, seeing your face but I know you were beside me the whole time.  You gave me your chapstick.  Cherry Chapstick.

That day we both saw so much, lost so much...and we broke into a million little pieces. Together.

There are no words for what that day was, no word means enough.  But what I do know is from it a friendship that means everything to me grew big and strong.  I know you were in shock and great pain yourself yet you hid it so you could do for me.  We have a bond born from that shared experience in the hospital for which I am so thankful.

I remember you sitting on my couch some weeks later and you said "well, one good thing has come out of this experience", and when I asked what you answered "us".  I knew you were right but I couldn't fully appreciate it at that point, I was too consumed.  Now though, I couldn't agree more.

You came running when I needed someone most, you kept your composure and your pain to yourself in order to take care of me.  You picked me up and carried me through the toughest of times and I love you so much for it.  I am grateful for you and I appreciate what you did for me.  I know that David is so very thankful that you stepped into a role no one would want, and I know that Evelyn is smiling down at you saying "that's our Kate".  

One year is just days away.  It has been such a hard year for me, for you, for all of us but one good thing came out of this experience...I got you!

I love you my Kateness.

Thinking, or not...

We are 15 days into the new year and 10 days into month 8.

I sit her shaking my head in order to scatter the visions forming...it happens so often still, it feels like second nature now.  The head shaking that is.

I've been trying to think of what I have learned from all this, but my mind is too noisy to think.  I am not in that place yet, that place of calm reflection, because I can't think of a thing.  I still play what if from time to time and I long for the day when I don't.

I still ask 'what happened?' pretty regularly.  As if actually seeing the moment you fell...the moment Evelyn hit her head would provide me with the peace I am craving.  I know, where my smart resides, that seeing those precise moments would not make a difference.  I would still be asking 'what happened'?  I want reasons, yet I know too that no reason could make up for the fact that you two are gone.  What does matter in my world is that you are gone from my every day.  It is an unbearable thought.  It tears at my soul over and over and over again.

I do know this...I am not me.  I have changed so drastically, I fear you can not recognize me...why you don't come to me with signs anymore.  Why Evelyn has never come to me.  You can not find me.

A lot of death has come to my life in eight short months David.  A lot of hurt lives inside me.

The death of you, the death of me, and the subsequent loss of our life together.  Our dreams, our future, our story that we were still writing.  The death of Evelyn, my dear sweet sister friend, and the friendship we had been building over the past three years.  My Jewels, the sweet little four legged friend who was by my side for twelve long years. There is not a memory in all that time that she is not a part of.  She was with me through all that came at me in those years, she was a good good dog.  Millie is gone too, 17 years of companionship, memories, hikes, rides, puppies...life.  She was a dear dear dog and her loss is hard for many.  And finally my little Fluffy.  HA...who would have thought I could love a rat!  I remember when we got her.  I drove home as if there were a tarantula loose in the car and when I pulled in the driveway you were washing your car...I jumped out and warned you to brace yourself.  But within the hour she had found a place in my heart. I know you thought I was a little loopy!  I know you did!  She would sit on the porch with us enjoying the spring sun and sips of wine.  And on the couch with us at night snuggling under the blanket when it was chilly...she was a dear sweet little critter and I miss her a ton.  Yes, a lot of death has come to my world.

There is still so much work to be done.