A Day Will Come...

I can't hear your voice any longer, I do in my head but no more in my ear.  

I will find reminders of your words from time to time, usually by accident.   Cleaning out a drawer or arranging files...it's always a jolt.  When I see your handwriting it is like a shock , it is a part of you sitting right there in a drawer and it tears me apart.  Your words were always so deep and from your heart.  You were a passionate man.

EVERY time I had to leave you, leave us, I would get a letter in the mail with a poem from you. Your way of letting me know what was in your heart.  I found it so sweet and endearing and yes, sometimes a little corny but I loved it because in each envelope you were handing me your heart so I would have it with me while I was away from you.  

Who knew that one day I would need those envelopes to carry with me for the rest of my life, who knew your words would become my treasure, who knew it would be you that would leave me, leave us...forever.  Who knew.

You are my heart David and I miss you desperately.

Together Apart

Apart again, awaiting your return, not being able to hold you, not being able to see you. Not hearing the tapping of your foot steps, which were so ever present, has been silenced by our distance. 

I quickly longed since your departure when you will be back in my arms, with your sweet breath upon my skin, warm, relaxing and with the comfort I have been accustom too. 

Your hand is not there for me to hold when I drive us together to any destination. Our fingers quietly caressing each others, naturally without thought. These are the most cherished moments of my life.

Your return to me will be the same as it always has been, with anticipation, a heart full of you and with lips moist and eager to touch yours. 

Today you will return to me, wiser, stronger and just as beautiful as the first day I saw you standing there in front of me as your radiated aura captivated my life. 

A day will come, we will be apart again and I will wait and wait as I always do. I have waited for us for days, months and even years. But my heart has always been there with you, deep down inside of you and there it will remain. So whether you are near or you are far from me, we will never be apart.


I love you my dearest Kristen.

Hello my love

Words are failing me.

For so long I have felt compelled to post to you on facebook.  For so long I have done just that...almost as if it was normal.  Almost as if I were in Arkansas and you were in Rhode Island, like I so often was during our life together.  

Now I'm finding that the words aren't right.  The intention is there, but the words don't mean what I feel.  The words don't come close to describing how I feel.

'I miss you'.  HA.  How ridiculous does that sound?  I miss being able to eat M & M's, I miss watching Friends, I miss my childhood...but miss you?  God, what I'm feeling, the feeling inside me goes so far beyond that and I don't know a word to describe it.

I have become so in tuned to the inside of me, for example...

I can feel my heart.  I can feel exactly where it sits, It feels like a GIGANTIC blob of chewed up bubble gum.  Not fully hardened, but not soft and squishy either...It is sore all the time, it aches like a muscle that has been tormented at the gym.

I can feel my lungs.  They don't seem to work correctly any longer and I find that my breathing is far too shallow.    I have to pay close attention or suddenly I find that I am gasping for air.

My eyes and ears and nose.  I have come to know that they are directly linked to my heart and at any given moment, no matter where I am or what I am doing, a sight, a sound, a smell can send me spiraling downward.  I cannot escape from any of it...it is everywhere...my grief is every which way I turn.

So words like...'I miss you' or 'I love you' are just too foolishly small to describe what I truly am trying to convey. 

I am longing for you...

I am craving you...

I am dieing little by little without you...

I am suffocating for wanting you...

I am breaking into a million little pieces for loving you...

So yeah...I miss you and I love you in a way that can't be communicated well by me

You are adored, you are wished upon, you are longed for and you are cherished.

That's all...

xoxo - Me

The heart

At this point,  late July, it has been some time since I've had a sign from my love.  At least any big ones that is.  I have had several small moments when I catch a little glimmer of something and just automatically say "Hi babe".  They could be real, they could just be me wishing.  The ones I write about here are the grand gestures that there is just no denying due to the timing and the circumstances leading up to them.  They are real and you only have to open your heart and your eyes and see to believe.

Summer is when I return to where I lived most recently, before meeting David again.  I return with my daughter to Arkansas to spend many weeks with family and my son who still lives there. It is a time that my husband looks forward to every year because he uses his vacation time and we drive down together along with one of his sons, as a family.  It's a long ride, the kids usually aren't too thrilled, but they have the end destination to ease the pain of it.  This year was going to be a little different...My David wasn't going to be able to make the trip with us.  As much as he wanted to it just wasn't in the bank account for 2 return flight tickets for he and his son.  So that meant neither would come.  In the end, the way life worked, the children and I did make the trip along with David's cremains.  In the end we all got to go.

This summer the trip was only 2 weeks long and on the ride back to Rhode Island just after getting on the road the two kids fell asleep, leaving me alone with my thoughts and my tears. The loss of David is just so huge and painful that I find I cry at the drop of a pin. So this morning, driving, I cried hard and silent, and when I was done I spoke out loud 'I want a sign David, I want to see a heart.  I need this today baby."  Of course immediately I think, I'm driving 12 hours, where the heck am I going to see a heart...ah, the clouds!  So up I look...is that one? No...there? Maybe, no.  I give it a rest and concentrate on driving. Ultimately I forget all about the hunt for the heart and about an hour later on my right a white Toyota Corola pulls past me and I shift my eyes in time to see a HUGE heart drawn in the dirty rear window.  I look back in my lane then almost drive off the road when what my eyes just saw reaches my brain.  A HEART!!!   I am floored, and I am in awe.  This beautiful husband of mine, who is so new to this 'spirit' life of his never ceases to amaze me with the 'signs' he sends me.  It is the only heart I have seen since that very moment.  I asked for it and he gave it to me.  How truly amazing and how truly lucky am I...