It's The Dark Side for Me

Yesterday I awoke on the side of darkness, a place so void of light and hope and peace.  I lived alone in that space for all the hours of one day.  I fought and I clawed to try and get out but never seemed to manage it.  Defeated I could do nothing but ride out the wave and go wherever it would take me.  It was excruciating, it was intense and it was exhausting.  

Every day I see and hear my husband drowning.  Every day I see my friend floating out to sea.  I duck and bob and weave my way in and around these images day in and day out.  This day though I could not avoid...it was as though I was being held in place and forced to watch and watch and watch.  It brought me to my knees and the darkness swallowed me alive.

All the months that have passed and I still don't believe this is real, I still don't know how to process what has happened.  It was too fast, there was no warning and the white took you both. The love of my life and a dear sweet friend.  How could that be?  

I see it every day, how can I get well with the horror chasing me?  My only escape is sleep, when I sleep I am free.  I see no horror, I hear no screams, I dream no dreams.  I am able to go unconscious, find peace and gain strength to do it all again tomorrow.

Tomorrow I shall hope that the sun will shine for me.

Mr. C

The alarm went off at 6:30 and when I opened my eyes I was humming the song 'Just When I Needed You Most'.  I have no idea where that came from, don't think I have heard it in 30 years. I know it was from my dream which left me the minute my eyes opened but I was still singing it.

I climbed out of bed and for some reason pulled back the curtains and opened the blinds in our bedroom...something I have not really done since you left.  And there looking directly into the window at me was one lone beautiful bright red Cardinal, your bird, you called him Mr. C.  

Hi Baby.