The End Of My Rope

A long time has passed since I've written to you...I have been away. You know, the annual trip down South to be with family.  You are there, or some of your ashes are.  I can't think more on that though, it's too strange to think of.

I miss you David, God how I do. Years have gone by, but the soul twisting pain has not left me. It moves with me like a feather fine breeze that barely kisses the skin. It is a part of me that I've learned to hide so very well. People just don't want to know, don't want to see. It's a deformity people are far too uncomfortable with so you learn to hide, for them.

I'm in dire straits now love. Ha, when am I not it seems. I clawed my way to the surface, a process that has taken 3 years, only to find I am close to destitute. The insurance is almost gone. I have been rejected by more job opportunities than I can count on both hands and both feet and both of each of yours. The future looks bleak. I can't afford to stay in our home anymore, but I can't get into another place because of no secure job for a year or more.

What do I do? Arkansas looks like the only immediate option but I so don't want to move there...not again, It was not a good place for me...the things that happened there haunt me still and I fear I would never get back out. You rescued me once, who will rescue me again?

I'm scared.

I'm broke.

I'm alone.

I'm scarred.

I'm done.

Help me babe, hit me over the head with a lightning bolt and magically make me better. I've been climbing through shit storm after shit storm after shit storm for 20 years and it has taken a MAJOR toll on me...

Yeah...I'm done.

They Are My Comfort

“You let time pass. That’s the cure. You survive the days. You float like a rabid ghost through the weeks. You cry and wallow and lament and scratch your way back up through the months. And then one day you find yourself alone on a bench in the sun and you close your eyes and lean your head back and you realize you’re okay.”

– Cheryl Strayed

Hi my love-

Three years today, it's a disgusting thought, but it's reality. I think back to this day then and I shake my head. I'm able to smile at some of the memories but I have yet to reach a place where remembering is only a good thing. I smile, I do, I even laugh...a lot. I think outwardly I have progressed well. I can dance and sing and laugh like always in spite of being broken on the inside. It's funny how that happens.

I remember you getting all choked up and teary with pride listening to Like Eating Glass...song 4. I just rubbed your forearm and smiled. Even that is gone now...

I remember Evelyn hanging out a window laughing at us because we kept walking right past her when we first arrived. And I remember all her Neck friends kept saying "You have no idea how excited she is that you two are here".  Ugh...shaking my head.

There is so much more that I remember but I can't do it right now, I can feel myself getting pulled down and I just can't right now. I'm so tired of being in that place. It's not a good place, my breathing changes, I feel my heart beating in my throat and hear a ringing in my ears. It's too hard to be there just now. One day I will be able to only smile there, but not now.

What is it like where you are? Do you spend time with Evelyn? Do you miss us? I always wonder these things. I wonder if you two are friends where you are...do you protect and take care of her.  Does she help you too?  The not knowing is hard. The not knowing if you guys are okay. The need to console you and put my arms around you two because of what you experienced...it's crazy. The whole thing is, really. For you two, when it was over it was over. For me and others, it will never really be over. How unfair. How totally and completely un-friggin-fair. Deep sigh.

I just wanted you to know, I'm...okay. Not good, but I am okay. I have put my face to the sun many times and find great peace outdoors. The trees, the birds, the wind, and the scents and the sounds, they are my comfort.

I love you David...still. Don't ever lose sight of me love, please. I will always need you to find me.

I love you Evelyn...always.