Five Months

I opened my eyes today and was looking at your side of the bed,  some time in the night I had reached my hand and was touching your pillow.   I opened my eyes today and I wondered how I got here...

Today is 5 months...I've been looking at the date for the past 3 days in anticipation of today. How indeed, did I make it to this day.  So many miles, so many hours, so many decisions, so much accomplished.  But It's all a blur...I was carried here on a wing and a prayer.

I'm angry at the amount of time, I'm angry this is real.  My brain still cannot accept this as truth.   My boyfriend, my David, my love...what can I even say anymore.  I miss you desperately. I miss you more than I did just minutes ago, I miss you more than yesterday, I miss you more than last month.  It doesn't get better, it gets worse, and I just miss you. 

I know you and Eve aren't coming back, I know you are gone...I have the visions, remember.  I know what I saw and I know that it was real,  but I believe I am numb to the truth...still.  I have read that I am anesthetized.  That it is natures way of 'helping'.  I just pray that it is a gradual process or 'coming to' and not just one day boom...I'm awake.  I don't think I could survive an instant attack of feeling...

I'm doing this though...I am getting by, minute by minute, day by day.  I see the passage of time played out on the landscape around me, I feel it in the air.  The nightmare of a summer is gone, fall is here and soon winter will be upon us.  All of that makes me so sad.  We so looked forward to our life together all the time.  Summer meant sitting on the front porch, gatherings in the yard with friends, sitting on a beach together.  Fall meant you, Gillian and I going to pick out pumpkins and getting apples and winter meant sitting on the couch in the evenings covered by blankets being all cozy with the critters running all around us.  Even Jewels is gone now too. Just one more piece missing from this family.

It has been 5 months today since you and Evelyn were taken from this earth.  I don't know the purpose yet, I may never know it.  I'm not sure it will even matter to me.  What does matter is I am alone again, living by myself, parenting by myself and trying to do the best I can for our kids. Your Joshua is here, asleep on the couch.  He is ridiculously happy about school which makes me tear up.  I am so happy for him and the excitement he has.  You would be so very proud of him, of all of them really.  Gillian is trying to branch out to a new set of peers at school, and she is very excited at the prospect of going to college.  She wants to go to Johnson & Wales and the three of us are going to a college fair tomorrow.  Soon the kids will be gone into their own lives and it will be just me...just me missing you.

It has been 5 months today and we are learning how to walk this way.  But what I wonder and wish for most is that you are happy and safe and warm and at peace.  That is what I wish for the most on this day and all other days.

PEACE to you my sweet man...peace and love to you from your girl.