Our Kids now

Hello my love.  I've been meaning to sit and talk to you about our children.  

Those wonderful, magical beings that captured our hearts from first sight.  Literally.  Your two and my two, how often does that happen?  I feel so blessed that we had instant heart connections between all of us.

Anyways, you know all that already.  I want to fill you in on what has been happening since you left this side of life.  No, I did not say 'since you left us', you NEVER would have willingly done that...of that I can rest assured.  You were taken before you should have been, period.

But again...anyways, I guess you know all that already too.  My sweet, beautiful dream of a man...you know that too, don't you?!?

So our kids...those wondrous creatures.  They are well.  Not perfect.  Not fine.  Not the same people they used to be...but well.  It's hard to know the depths to which their pain lies.  They are teenagers, they are boys, they are proud, they are unsure and they are un-trusting...of life, of love, of the process.  They do not say much and they do not show much emotion so it is up to us moms to pay close close attention.  Kids are resilient, they are adaptable, they are followers.  I believe that they look to us in order to gauge how they should be feeling, that is normal.  This situation though, is not normal and each persons journey through it is different and personal. No matter how 'normal' the outside looks, the inside is so torn apart and upside down...that is a hard thing to reconcile.  For them I am doing my best.  

I have been with all four kids, I have talked as much as I have felt free to, I have been free with talking about my feelings, I have reached out, I have held each one and I have studied their faces.  They are cracked, shattered even, their world sits at an angle now...but I believe they are doing well.  They are surrounded by love, by distractions...school, jobs, friends.  And I believe they are doing their best to crawl back to a comfort level they have always known.  They have had to grow up fast since this, a lesson no kid ever expects to learn, a lesson they have been forced to sit with.  It's hard for this mom to not break for her kids.  It is a whole other side of this process to live through for me.  There is no 'I' or 'Me' in this journey alone, I have four young lives to be responsible for as well.  It is very overwhelming. 

Some LOVE school, some don't.  All are high honors so far though so I can't ask for more than that...right?!?  Some are working some are not supposed to yet.  We have one licensed car owner, and one just days away from this privilege, one waiting in the wings and one a safe distance off.  Phew...I can only take so much.  lol  I came across the 'contract' you created for G, the one I wasn't in agreement with when I first read it.  I adjusted it a little, parts adjusted themselves under the circumstances but it is in force and has been discussed with her.  I am doing my best to carry on your ideas and your wishes.  I love you so deeply David, you were our knight, G and I, and we will never be the same without you.  Thank you for accepting us and loving us so deeply in return.

Our oldest, he expressed his love and his pain and his grief with designing and getting a tattoo in honor of his hero, you.  It is well done and clean and he is safe...and so very proud.  I'm still waiting on mine, I want to be very sure of the design before I permanently honor you on my skin. I wish you were here to hold my hand through it.  Oh well...I just wish you were here.

I guess we are progressing,  learning to walk all over again, trying to find new meaning where there seems to be none just now.  We have each other and we are staying very close and connected, we are watching out for each other and telling each other 'I love you' so there can be no doubt ever.  If we have learned nothing else through all this, we at least have seen that love and home is everything.  We are everything, and you did that.  You brought us all together, you created this family, this unit, you nurtured this love and in your name we will carry on together.

Peace to you my husband, my love , my life.  I hope you are watching, I hope you see, and I hope you are proud of me and what I am doing.  I know you are proud of our kids.