Pretending

I am pretending...going through the motions...crawling forward...doing the right things.  I am pretending.

I am not in a good place in my head...in a worse place in my heart...and further removed in my soul.  I am not in a good place.

For two months (the first 2 were busy with estate work) I have gotten up, showered, run errands and done chores while in a trance.  I get lost when I drive, I forget where I am, where I am going, who I am talking to on the phone, why I entered a room.  I forget who I am.

On my mind is my husband, almost only my husband...except for my friend.  I am trapped in a level of living that hovers just above the ground and slightly below the clouds.  I am trapped in an invisible bubble and I can't get out.

I am devastated.  I am heartbroken.  I am at a complete loss.  I am alone in a way that words can't explain and friends can't change.  I am a  broken, broken girl.  

And I am pretending that I am not.