It is just four days away from Christmas, I don't know what I am doing, where I am going or if I will even get out of bed. Oh, I know I will, I always do...if my eyes are open then I am up.
It is not Christmas in this house.
We have no tree.
We have no lights.
There is no garland.
Nor holiday cards placed around.
There are no gifts wrapped and prettily displayed.
No Christmas songs being sung.
No Christmas cheer at all.
There is no joy here.
I know the life you see here is not what you would want, and I'm sorry, but I can't give you what you want right now. I can't be happy for you, I can't live the life you would want me to right now. I'm in a hole and I can't get out. I'm scared to death David, I'm scared because I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to live without you. I've done that, I did that...I lived 27 years without you and I did it well. I was happy and strong and full of life. I overcame hardships and became better for it. Life was good...life was great. Then came you.
You showed me all I had been missing. You loved me more deeply than I ever thought was possible. You made me happier than I have ever been in all my life. You made me want for more and crave it all. We were so excited about our future and the plans we were making. The moments of our life together were filled with love and lessons and new traditions. This was it, this was our bliss...what we had longed for our whole lives and never found. But then we did, in each other and it was so great...lumps and bumps and all. It was ours and I loved it...I loved you.
So you see, I don't want to do this without you. I don't want to live a new life, make new memories...nothing. I want to be with you. I just want to be with you David.
I don't want to do this anymore.
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