The Ride

As I do every day, I check the posts on the Widows bereavement sites I am a member on...there are two of them.  

Some days there is nothing said.  All is calm?  Maybe.  Hopefully.  But I know that it could also mean that today is just too much, today is so very overwhelming that there are no words...oh, they're in there.  The words are in there, flying around our heads slamming against the edges of our minds wanting out...needing out.  But the pain is too great today to let the words come.

Some days one of us, or several of us, has reached out for comfort or advice or just to share a milestone, a thought, a prayer.  And some days there is a new 'recruit', a new member to the club none of us signed up for or ever wanted to be a part of...some days there is just that tentative, bleeding sentence that says something like 'I just lost...I just found this group...thank you for listening'.  And just like that we remember we are not alone even though ALONE is the second strongest feeling we women, we widows, feel.

Today there was a post from a new member to the group, a woman who joined the 'club' only three months ago...She is wondering if any of us has ever gone through what she is going through the last few days...no crying...no living, just existing,  sleeping yet waking exhausted. Working...chores...bed, working...chores...bed...is this a phase she wants to know.  Those of us a little, or a lot further along in the journey know it is not a phase.  It is just another kind of day, or several smooshed together to create a 'phase'.  It is delicate territory.  It is a welcome reprieve, it is a survival technique that our body knows is desperately needed at precisely this moment.  It is a day or a few given to us in order to take a deep breath, get our bearings, readjust.  It is just enough time to grab hold and climb up a little further on our journey, enough time to grab hold before the ride begins again.

It's not a phase, I tell her..."it's just the ride. Not a car ride either. It is what I would think a roller coaster would be like if I had ever been on one...great highs, fast and furious lows with lots of sharp yanks around every corner. On this ride I never know what each day will bring, a high, a low, a rough corner? I open my eyes and try to gauge but can't, I head to the kitchen for coffee almost in fear sometimes...is an arm going to reach out and pull me back down to where I have just worked so hard to climb up from? Am I going to be yanked around a corner I'm not ready for? All I can do is hold on and hold strong. There is a very good reason that at age 47 I have never put myself on a roller coaster, that kind of ride is not for me...yet here I am. Thrust on here by a horrific tragic event that lasted no more than 10 minutes. I have been sentenced to a lifetime of this ride I never wanted and all I can do is hold on, hold strong and learn how to get my feet back on solid ground once again while life spins around me at such a fast and furious pace. I do not believe it to be a phase you are in...I believe it to just be the ride you are on...you are not alone though, all of us here are sitting in the seats next to you, in front of you and behind you, and we say to you hold on tight sister..."