A heavy heart

It's a Saturday morning...GiGi is at work and I am sitting on the couch wondering what the hell has happened in my life.

I have a steaming cup of Salted Caramel coffee at hand and my laptop on me knees and I'm looking through the many job boards I have on my desktop...I'm coming to realize I'm not qualified for much.  I am not a nurse, I am not a physician, a social worker or a teacher.  Nor am I a truck driver...the boards are loaded with opportunities for these fields, but not much else.

I saw some listings for Fall River, so then in my head I was hearing how you used to say it and then I am crying...crying for you David.  Asking what happened and where are you.  I know this is real, I know you are gone and won't be walking through the door ever again, but my heart is really struggling with accepting it all. 

I can't stop seeing you that day babe...the last moments of your life are burned into my eyes and my brain and it's tearing me apart each and every day. Don't get me wrong, I've traveled far but that doesn't mean what people think it does.  It only means I have learned how to walk these many many miles carrying tons of hurt and pain.  The alternative I guess would have been to lay there and let it bury me.  Well, I didn't do that.  I got up and figured out how to put one foot in front of the other with the weight of the world on my back. It's so damn hard and so damn exhausting.  Many days I don't think I can do it for one more freaking second, the thought of doing this forever is so overwhelming and that in itself wants to bring me to my knees.

The mask I wear... the smile you see, the steps I take, it's not genuine.  This grief threads itself through every aspect of my life and right now my life is just about going through the motions of getting through the day.   I have to remind myself to breath all the time, something I never paid attention to before...now it's all I can think of.  Everything is a huge and tremendous effort.  I'm afraid all the time.  How do I return to my life, clean the house, cook the meals, pay the bills, make the decisions, help the kids...it all feels like the most torturous task ever.

I have never been afraid of being alone, I had my life in good working order...A home, a small but steady income, family...now everything is upside down and it's very frightening.  Now everything is just so very upside down...

Well, I guess that was my boo hoo session for today.  I'm sorry to burden you with it all but it's your job...you have to listen to me and you have to love me no matter what, right?!?  Please send me strength to continue babe, I seem to need it now more than ever.  What I thought would get easier only gets harder.

I love love love you - Me

Seven

I've been on this seven month journey.  

A journey where each minute lasts a lifetime.

A journey where you should have been walking with me.

A journey where every step hurts for the sharp edges of my broken heart.

A journey where at the start...I died.  I died but didn't leave.

You left.  Evelyn left.  I stayed.

I've looked for your hand to hold,

I've listened for your voice to guide me.

I've searched for your face everywhere I go.

I have not found you and oh how I've looked, how I've prayed.

I died...but did not leave.

I've been on this seven month journey.

Where I am so desperately in love with a dead man...that is something hard to reconcile.

I have had to learn how to live with this new rhythm of my heart, it no longer beats as it once did.

My eyes see different.  The horror is still burned on them, I struggle with that often, but I've learned how to shake my way back to light.  

My eyes see different...they now see for two.

I am moving, I am crawling my way up and out, I am walking forward.

I look backwards as much as forwards...looking for you?  Seeing how far I've gone? 

I'm not sure, it's all so distorted.  Each step is shrouded in pain and fear and confusion.

I know a lot has happened since you've been gone, I know I've traveled a long way.  

I know this in my head...by the page on the calendar... by the chill in the air. 

My heart has trouble accepting it's new reality...it's new forever.

My heart has trouble beating without you David.

It wrestles with accepting new hopes, new dreams, new memories and new joys...but accept it must, and accept it will...some day.

I've been on this seven month journey,  where each minute lasts a lifetime.  I am ready for what comes next.

I love you still, and I miss you always.

XOXO - your girl.