Still

It's snowing again.  It's cold again...still.  And I am here...still.

I go to bed, I wake up.  Everything in between is a blur.  

I do like I do, like I've always done.  I clean, I manage, I finance, I cook, I raise humans, I pet care, I stock shelves, I chauffeur, I assist, I do and I do and I do...and I do it again and again, day after day.  We all do, by no means do I think I am alone here, we all do what we do.  But are we all unconscious to the middle, to what happens between when we wake up and when we go back to sleep?  I don't know...but I am.  I am unconscious to all that falls in the middle.

I seem to be going nowhere, not forward, not back.  I am just still...still here, still there.  I have mistaken the passage of time and the doing for progress.  I have felt that I have come so far from that worst day, but really I have gone nowhere.  My day is full of doing and dodging, gasping and breathing, blinking and shaking my head.  I am in a battle to survive.  Living, surviving that worst day was not good enough.  There was no 'phew...I made it', brush myself off and move on.  It is a fight that I have to live through day in and day out.  I liken it to one of those race car video games, you know...where you sit in a fake car and grab hold of a steering wheel, only I am not stepping on the 'gas' pedal...life is.  I am being whisked through a course...smooth sailing for a moment, then suddenly an obstacle is in my path, I dodge this way and I dodge that way.  Sometimes they are few and far between, other times they seem to come all at once,  I dodge and I shake and I blink but still I crash.  I stand back up, tears flowing, heart breaking, short of breath and I go again.   Why won't it stop...what do I have to do to get it to stop.  The sights, the sounds, the play by play recap.  The last images of my David, of Evelyn are burned into my eyes and the final, end result blows me away still.  Still I do not believe, I do not understand. 

It has been 9 long and short months since a handful of minutes changed everything and I have learned that I suck at race car driving, the sun will come up even if I can't see it, friendship is EVERYTHING, raising a teenager sucks...doing it alone sucks HUUUUGE, I am still head over heels in love with my husband, I will still speak to you here, I will go to sleep and wake up every day to do what I do even through the fog...and just maybe it is too soon to expect anything else.

I think of you both every other minute of every single day.  I miss you in a way that takes my breath away and I can not wait to be with you again for that is where I wish to be...for now.  I pray that you are okay, I pray that you are with me, and I pray for all of us that are hurting without you.

Peace guys!