Hi.
That's all it said. One single word. One single text.
Hi.
My eyes saw so much more than that one little word. My eyes, connected to my heart, saw a million words unsaid. Tears un-shed. Questions not answered. There are no answers...
My eyes saw 'Help Me!', they saw 'What the fuck?', they saw 'No, please no".
My eyes saw your boy, our boy, reaching out his hand for help. I saw it, I felt it, because it is something I live with every day. My entire body screams those words...every. damn. day.
Help Me! Help does not come.
The message came at 8:43 at night. I saw it at 10:36, so very many minutes too late. Long, lonely, desperate minutes that boy sat without a response from me. When my eyes saw that one word, Hi, all I could hear was the shatter of broken glass, my broken heart, shatter some more. Our boy needed someone and I missed it. I responded then...he did not. The moment had passed I guess. I can picture him with head hanging down turning back to life. Help did not come. Once again I could not help.
I laid in bed with my phone in my hand until 1 a.m....just in case, then I put it on my nightstand and stared at it for another hour or so...just in case. And then I woke up and with head hanging down I turned back to life...to one more day.
Hi was all it said but I saw so much more.
Your boy needs you love he needs you big. PLEASE help him. PLEASE help him. He needs his Dad.
Why do two letters have so much meaning. Two letters. Two innocuous letters that have the mind running at warp speed into brick walls.
ReplyDeleteI want to understand how it is the life I lived before death was so inoculated against this whole other sphere that I now live every day. I want to understand how the two of them can be so utterly disassociated and each in their own way be so bloody powerful. How is it we have found ourselves operating on a galactic scale of emotions with a paltry spoonful of techniques to cope? What switch flipped? Can anything be accessed with our minds?
I can only hope our beloveds' are having a better time of this altered shift in the consciousness because as we walk forward into the space of time I don't want to believe I am suffering this as shared pain. I would prefer to take it on myself in this reality for now. As much as what I would like to share the responsibility and have help from my beloved, given reality, I wish for no more hurt and I can only do what I can do. So it is for you too.
Each day in our life is practice. Practice for the next day, the next adventure, the next lesson. None of that practice is for death and what comes next. It is all about the here and now and how to 'live' to the fullest for the short time we have.
DeleteWe ALL know our final result. We all know it will end one day so in the meantime we gather life, lessons and love, and we live big. There is NO consideration for what would/will happen when and who goes first. How does one practice something like that. I think to do so would put a real kink in living, precious amounts of time would be spent in fear...fear of the unknown. Instead we run blindly forward feeling safe and loved and content with the reality we have created for ourselves. We look to the left and see our chosen love running along side, laughter and love and light all around us. Neither thinking that up ahead is a bottomless hole waiting to swallow one of us whole leaving the other to continue forward alone. There is no practice for that.
I think the huge shift between your two 'spheres' speaks to the grand life you lived with your love. Not discounting the faults, we all have them, they lend to greatness of the good times, of the whole. The magnitude of your grief speaks to the greatness of the love you shared. It has to be normal to feel as though, after he fell into that hole and you continued running forward, you crashed head first into a wall of glass. The blood will dry, and the cuts will heal, but the splinters of glass left unseen will continue to break through the skin for the rest of our lives.
The pain we carry and the manner in which we live from here on out is in honor of the love we shared with that one person. They are freed from the burdens of this life, which is good, but I believe too that the responsibility is shared...just their help comes in a different way now. We just have to be open and ready to see it and receive it when it comes. I know your man is helping you Mrs C, if mine is then yours is too. Just ask him for something, be open, and wait and see. It will come...maybe right away, maybe not...but it will come. I know it will.