A Dream

This morning I dreamt of you...second time ever and first time that you were a main character.

The tone of the dream seemed rushed.  I was frantically walking all over the place looking for something and you were helping me I guess.  I know you were dead, yet I could see you with me.  I could touch you and kiss you and talk to you.

At one point I was standing among some people outside an old abandoned hospital and a woman said we're going to turn it into an apartment building, I remember saying 'wow, that's gonna be a shitload of apartments'. Writing this now I am thinking that the hospital is the last place all of us last saw our loved ones and now it is like a ghost town and being turned into apartments for all of us to live in.  Strange.

We were walking with a group down a road, I think we were looking for Evelyn because I remember telling the people that it wasn't only you I watched disappear but Evelyn too, and stopped to go into a store, you held the door open for us and I noticed you were wearing your Vans but there was a hole in the right one and your toe was poking through, you weren't wearing socks.  That wasn't like you at all.  Inside you were showing me something on a laptop, I remember seeing your hand, your finger touched a spot on the laptop screen and I realized you were teaching me something and I was amazed that I was still learning things from you even though you were dead.   I felt so much crushing and overwhelming love for you. 

Sometimes you were with me, and sometimes you weren't.  I was so messed up because I knew you were dead but I could still see you.  I was in the building that was being converted into apartments and there was a woman in one of the rooms, I think she had lost her son, I think we had been searching for him too now that I write this.  I told her I lost someone too, two someones to be exact...she said she could tell because I was so miserable and sad and my pain was written all over my face.  I asked her if she could tell when sometimes I was kind of okay.  She said yes.  I told her that was because it was then that you were with me and I could see you and talk to you and touch you.  It was all wrong though...I was still heartbroken because you were dead.

Just as I'm writing this, trying to figure out what it all means...I am remembering that last night I was thinking about how I miss our time together so desperately. That I have sat on this couch and eaten dinner by myself most every night for seven months.  How much I loved to massage your hands and feet at night.   How freaking lonely I am and that I have moved into such a deep dark place of sadness.  How long it has been since I have any big sign from you.  How I was thinking to myself that all I really want is to be with you.

I guess not understanding what the dream meant isn't the important part...what is important is that I recognize parts of my real life inside the dream.  I guess that means you are with me and you can hear my thoughts...and that is pretty extraordinary.

Thank you David.  Thank you for coming to me when I'm needing you most.  I'm not doing well and knowing you are here helping me as best you can means a lot to me.  I miss you so very much love...so very much.