I am losing the battle, I can feel it.
What was in the beginning is no longer.
Whatever it was has left me,
and I am left as I am now.
And what I am...
is losing steam.
Facebook Posts to My Husband...
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Pretending
I am pretending...going through the motions...crawling forward...doing the right things. I am pretending.
I am not in a good place in my head...in a worse place in my heart...and further removed in my soul. I am not in a good place.
For two months (the first 2 were busy with estate work) I have gotten up, showered, run errands and done chores while in a trance. I get lost when I drive, I forget where I am, where I am going, who I am talking to on the phone, why I entered a room. I forget who I am.
On my mind is my husband, almost only my husband...except for my friend. I am trapped in a level of living that hovers just above the ground and slightly below the clouds. I am trapped in an invisible bubble and I can't get out.
I am devastated. I am heartbroken. I am at a complete loss. I am alone in a way that words can't explain and friends can't change. I am a broken, broken girl.
And I am pretending that I am not.
I am not in a good place in my head...in a worse place in my heart...and further removed in my soul. I am not in a good place.
For two months (the first 2 were busy with estate work) I have gotten up, showered, run errands and done chores while in a trance. I get lost when I drive, I forget where I am, where I am going, who I am talking to on the phone, why I entered a room. I forget who I am.
On my mind is my husband, almost only my husband...except for my friend. I am trapped in a level of living that hovers just above the ground and slightly below the clouds. I am trapped in an invisible bubble and I can't get out.
I am devastated. I am heartbroken. I am at a complete loss. I am alone in a way that words can't explain and friends can't change. I am a broken, broken girl.
And I am pretending that I am not.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Four Months Today
I remember when I had my babies. I never wanted time to go forward, I didn't want them to grow bigger. In those moments I wanted them to stay little bundles in my arms forever.
When someone would ask "How old is your baby?" I would think first...'what sounds newer, 16 weeks or 4 months?' And I would answer with that which, to me, kept them babies longer. Silly, I know...time is time no matter how you count it. It is the slow climb up that hill and all that really matters is what you do with the time you have been given.
I must admit here, I do not know if I have made the best use of the past 16 weeks, the past 4 months, the seconds, minutes and hours since I saw my husband die. The head knows that my 'living' has been done well, done strong. I have picked myself up every single day since and done what has been necessary to do...move onward. I have reached out, I have joined the groups, I have read the books, I have asked the questions, I have done the get togethers, I have faced the fears, I have revisited the scene, I have gone back into the water, I have made peace with the ocean, I have made the decisions and I have made the choices. Yet, it is the heart that knows time has not healed my soul. In these 16 weeks...these 4 months, I do not feel that my insides have lived as well and as strong as the outside. In that regard I am weak, I am broken, I am lost...I am so so very lost, I am numb, and I am alone...very alone. And yes, I am scared.
The man that I adored, the man who could drive me crazy with a 'snap' of his fingers, the man who loved me in a way that made me feel I could push through anything with him at my side, that man, that love of mine...oh God that love of mine, he is gone from here. The things from him that I need the most, his cheek on mine, his hand in mine, his lips on my lips, his voice in my ear, his scent on my skin, his arms around me. He was my person, he is who I would turn to in a time like this, he is who I would entrust my heartbreak to. He is who I would cry to over the loss of one of my best girl friends, he would mourn with me. He would help me through this, he would help me back to light...but I can not find him.
The girl that I adored, the girl who could make me smile with a snap of her fingers, the girl who loved me truly. The girl who always had a word to console, a remark to heal. The girl I admired, who's smile...who's laugh could light up a room. The things from her that I need most, that smile in my eyes, the sound of that laugh in my ears, her arms around me and her words under me. She would be here, by my side...in my face, helping me. With a word, a look, a gesture, she would help me through this, she would help me come back to light...but I can not find her.
My husband and my friend, I miss you both desperately and all of me loves all of both of you. It is 4 months today since I have laughed with you, danced with you, talked with you, made a toast with you and loved with you. It is 16 weeks today since my world was ripped out from under me, since I have seen your faces, felt your hugs and held your hands. Time is time no matter how you choose to count it. And time...this time will be with me for my forever.
When someone would ask "How old is your baby?" I would think first...'what sounds newer, 16 weeks or 4 months?' And I would answer with that which, to me, kept them babies longer. Silly, I know...time is time no matter how you count it. It is the slow climb up that hill and all that really matters is what you do with the time you have been given.
I must admit here, I do not know if I have made the best use of the past 16 weeks, the past 4 months, the seconds, minutes and hours since I saw my husband die. The head knows that my 'living' has been done well, done strong. I have picked myself up every single day since and done what has been necessary to do...move onward. I have reached out, I have joined the groups, I have read the books, I have asked the questions, I have done the get togethers, I have faced the fears, I have revisited the scene, I have gone back into the water, I have made peace with the ocean, I have made the decisions and I have made the choices. Yet, it is the heart that knows time has not healed my soul. In these 16 weeks...these 4 months, I do not feel that my insides have lived as well and as strong as the outside. In that regard I am weak, I am broken, I am lost...I am so so very lost, I am numb, and I am alone...very alone. And yes, I am scared.
The man that I adored, the man who could drive me crazy with a 'snap' of his fingers, the man who loved me in a way that made me feel I could push through anything with him at my side, that man, that love of mine...oh God that love of mine, he is gone from here. The things from him that I need the most, his cheek on mine, his hand in mine, his lips on my lips, his voice in my ear, his scent on my skin, his arms around me. He was my person, he is who I would turn to in a time like this, he is who I would entrust my heartbreak to. He is who I would cry to over the loss of one of my best girl friends, he would mourn with me. He would help me through this, he would help me back to light...but I can not find him.
The girl that I adored, the girl who could make me smile with a snap of her fingers, the girl who loved me truly. The girl who always had a word to console, a remark to heal. The girl I admired, who's smile...who's laugh could light up a room. The things from her that I need most, that smile in my eyes, the sound of that laugh in my ears, her arms around me and her words under me. She would be here, by my side...in my face, helping me. With a word, a look, a gesture, she would help me through this, she would help me come back to light...but I can not find her.
My husband and my friend, I miss you both desperately and all of me loves all of both of you. It is 4 months today since I have laughed with you, danced with you, talked with you, made a toast with you and loved with you. It is 16 weeks today since my world was ripped out from under me, since I have seen your faces, felt your hugs and held your hands. Time is time no matter how you choose to count it. And time...this time will be with me for my forever.
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