In your lifetime there are moments...years in history that will leave a mark forever. There are those occasions where one can say "I remember exactly where I was when..."
There are so many really, it would be hard to name them all. But in my world, in my life I can think of some moments that really stand out clearly, some dates on a calendar that will be forever etched in my mind. Here is just a few...
January 1986 when the Challenger exploded. I was on my lunch break and was sitting in my car listening to the live coverage of this momentous occasion on the radio. I had just taken a bite of food when I heard the announcer trip over his words in utter confusion and then say there had been a horrible accident...I will never forget it.
August 1990 when The Persian Gulf war was announced. I was 23 and living alone in Florida, I was home from work and sitting on the floor watching the news when the official announcement was mentioned. I immediately picked up the phone and called my Dad crying...I was petrified.
August 1997 when Princess Diana died in a car crash. I was a new, single, mother. I was lying on the couch watching Friends when the news broke in about Diana. For some reason it hit me very hard. Maybe hormones still, I'm not sure, but I cried for a week at the tragic loss of such a sweet and troubled soul.
July 1999 when JFK Juniors plane was lost at sea. I was unemployed and in the middle of a major move. I had made the decision to leave New England and head to Arkansas to be near my parents for a little while. My house was partially packed and I had been following the news of this story for days. I was horrified by it. I had met John, the summer I spent on the compound with RFK's kids. Again I cried for a week!
September 2001, just days after my son was born, when America was attacked and all hell broke loose in New York. I was in my own personal hell, I had fled a seriously dangerous marriage and was living with my parents for the time being. I had just dropped my daughter off at school and decided to stop in for a quick visit for my baby and his father, no sooner had I walked in the door the news broke to live coverage of the happenings in New York. That moment altered my step in more ways than one. I will never forget it.
May 2013 when on a clear, crisp, spring day, three people celebrated love, friendship, Cinco De Mayo, and the bright futures ahead. Futures that would not be...I was right there, I remember it all, I smell it and I hear it...every day. As far as I have moved, I never left...or it is just following me...I'm not sure which. The sky was so blue, the air was chill, gulls were singing and ropes on the masts of the boats in the harbor were clanging with the waving of the water. I smell eggs and toast, I taste cheesecake, champagne tickles my nose and tequila burns my throat. Laughter fills my head and joy floods my whole body. I am having so very much fun with two people I love so dearly. I am on cloud 9...in my element. This day was for me, the surprises were for me. It is the day that changed who I am, who I was. Nothing will ever be the same...I will never be the same. I will never forget it. I miss those three people with every fiber of my being.
It sure was a year love...wouldn't you say? Right from the word go...try as we did it never got too good in the few short months we had. It was a time of painful discoveries and unwanted troubles. But it too was a time of renewed hope and new beginnings. Our future was so bright, we wanted it so much and worked so hard and loved so deep. I don't know why it was not meant to be for us. I don't know if I will ever know.
All of our futures were so bright.
And with closing the door on 2013 and walking into a new year alone, I do not feel a sense of hope or of new beginnings. I do not feel I can freely transition to one from the other with so much left unsaid if you will. So much left where it fell. It's like feng shui, that says 'never leave dishes in the sink overnight...you don't want to start a brand new day with yesterdays mess'. I'm afraid I am starting a brand new year with last years mess still so fresh.
I will walk through that door though, with my head held high. I will do the hard work and I will fight the good fight for you, for Evelyn and for me. I will do my very best to walk out of the shadows of this haunting year and create a new future full of memories, beauty and joy.
I love you my David...with all that I am, I love you. I love you Evelyn my friend, my sister, my confidant. I cherish our last moments of joy together, of laughter and giggles and secrets. I will cherish all the moments of your last day on this earth, both of you, as hard as it is, I feel honored.
Goodbye 2013.
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