The War Within and Without...

This grief of mine, I've mentioned it so often, but it's just such a phenomenon to me.  

I liken it to a war between the In's and the outs...

I mean, I can feel a certain kind of peace, a calmness or a settling of spirit...I'm not sure what to call it because it is not anything I've ever felt before.  I can differentiate between good moments and bad moments...I know the two, I live in them both.  It's the moments of joy that I seem to

The "In's"...where pain, sorrow, loneliness, confusion and unanswered questions live.  Where the need and wanting of my love David sit.  Where the shattered dreams and stolen moments of our future together reside.  Where the clawing and scratching and biting screams of my broken heart rest... just below the surface.  I am in agony always, it has become second nature at this point.  Tears are always at the ready...they sit at the ready for fall.  It is like a scream that you feel the need to scream yet you don't.  You hold it in.  It is there at the ready, always, but you fight like a warrior to keep it where it is...In.

The "outs"...where pain, sorrow, loneliness, confusion and unanswered questions live.  Where everything that my eyes see floods my heart with hurt...everything.  Every sight, every sip, every taste, every smile, every joke, everything, everything, everything brings home that I am alone in this experience.  That the one person I declared out loud that I wanted to spend the rest of my days with that I would love until I died, is not by my side holding my hand and finding joy in this experience.  It is a hot, heavy, searing pain that won't go away...

The "outs"...where life is still turning, where moments are happening, where birds are singing and the sun is shining.  Where I feel at odds with myself and the universe.  Where I laugh and joke and dance and sing.  Where I feel a happiness in the good...the great, moments.  Where I feel a kind of joy, one that is vastly different from the joys I used to feel but it is my new joy right now.  It is a joy steeped in sadness but that is okay at this point in my journey.  I do all that I do every day with my husband in the forefront of my mind.  When I cook, when I drive, when I laugh a laugh that comes from my heart and the core of who I am...I am doing it all with my David in mind...I am doing it all for my David.

I am cherishing the moment that are good, and the moments that are great.  I am respecting the moments that are hard and bad and painful and I am learning from them.  I am learning how high I've climbed and how far I've come.  I am learning that I am on the right track and I am going to win this race.  I'll probably have tears streaming down my face...but I will win with David in my heart.