Dear David

Dear David-

It is Saturday...Josh should have been here, but I just wasn't up to it this weekend and for that I am sorry.  I was pulled back to the start line after climbing so far...and now I have to do it all over again.  I'll do it, I will always do it...but it's hard and it hurts, and I'm so very tired.

Today though has been pretty okay, I slept well and awoke feeling 'free'.  I made my coffee and tiptoed into the living room, I didn't want to wake Lily and Aizeling...they are such little imps and usually want to play the minute they hear me come in.  Today though I wanted to read a little and drink my coffee.  HA!  Fat chance, I am suddenly distracted by two little tiny heads with two sets of eyes staring at me...one stands on top of the other like a totem pole hoping to be the first to be noticed.  I refuse to see them though and I am determined to hold to this...I held my ground for 30 minutes, I am very proud of myself!

I have just taken a shower, still feeling 'free', I use the word free because it is the feeling I am when I am not weighted down by the visions and images that plague me still...those I can not shake...of you and of Evelyn...and even of me.  I was in our room getting dressed and at the same time picking up and finally putting away some things I had strewn about.  It was then I found your notebook, with some pictures you drew and notes you wrote and score sheets from when we would play cards.  It also contained all the notes and incident documentation from what was going on at work and I started to cry.  You were such a good man David.  You worked so very hard and tried so hard at all that you did.  You were so very special to me and I am forever thankful I got to call you mine.  I shook off the tears and spoke those words out loud to be sure you would hear.  Time to dry my hair...leaving the bathroom my eyes were drawn to your jacket and your lunch bag, hanging on the hooks where you left them the Friday before you died.  I clung to the jacket and cried again...just for a minute.  

David, I am so lonely without you.  Every minute of every day I feel the weight of missing you, the weight of your loss.  I am still so in shock that this all happened, almost six months later I still can not wrap my brain around it.  I will not ever see you in the physical...ever again...ever.  I am not okay with that, I have not accepted that, I do not see the reason for it, I can not find the joy.  I think you were too good to have to go, and like that too.  You did not deserve to feel fear, to be so scared and to suffer for even one second.  For that, and only that I am angry.  I am so thankful that at least Evelyn was spared the knowing of it all...at least there is that.  What a mess we got ourselves into, what a damn mess...

My heart is yours David, it is where, for me, you live...I know you are there, my heart is heavy and I have a hard time breathing, and I am okay with that.

Ciao my love - until we meet again <3