I've been hanging on by a very thin thread lately.
The line between functioning and falling has gotten so blurred.
I know it is just the slightest nod from that one ounce of reason in my head that will send me tumbling into the abyss.
My need to see you...see your beautiful face has gotten so overwhelming and all consuming, it is so forefront in my thoughts and it is ruining me.
I know you are physically gone from me forever, but I stuff that...that knowing, and when it creeps it's way back to the surface I am just absolutely ruined.
Five months has come and gone and I am no closer to accepting that this is my new forever, no closer to accepting that I will never hold your hand in the physical ever again.
Your eyes, your smile, your scars, your scent and your beautiful mouth...your hands and even your 'pretty' feet...I so long for all of you David, to be here with me.
I don't know how to get better at this, I don't know how to stop longing for you, I don't know how to stop feeling so damn broken inside.
I spoke out loud while driving through a flood of tears and gut wrenching sobs...
I need to see my husband!
And you came.
I was dreaming that same night about a lot of random things, but not you, it's never you. Suddenly to my left you just appeared.
You had a big smile, and your arms opened wide, we walked towards each other and as you neared you tilted your head slightly back and to the left.
I remember that I got a very clear picture of your face and your eyes and my face fit perfectly in the crook of your neck.
And then your were just gone, evaporated.
No words were spoken, I was not crying, it happened and then you were gone, and my dream picked up where it left off.
You were always so so good to me David, and even gone from here you are still taking care of me when I need it the very most.
Thank you for coming to my rescue my love...my grip was just about to let go.
I needed to see your face and I did.
I love you so much baby.
Kristen, Bless you my friend. I have no doubt he is just an invisible wall away from you. You cannot see him but he sees you. He watches you. He sends you love. And he feels yours. My heart cries for you. I had loved your story about how you found each other again. Kristen A. had told me. And I remember how happy you were when I saw you at the last reunion. I do believe you will see him again in a different place. A different realm. And he will be there to usher you in. But you still have work to do here in this realm. Even if you don't feel like getting out of bed. It's the only reason you were spared that day. You have things to do. A higher calling. That is why you are still with us. I wish I could tap in to some higher power and direct you on that journey but somewhere inside of you, you have the answer. Take the time to mourn. Then come back to all of us in this reality and share - you will find a "purpose" just for you out of all of this. Though purpose may not be the correct word to use at this time.
ReplyDeleteI often send you love and blessings. You are strong and brave. Use that to get through this next leg and ask yourself when you are ready, "What is it I am supposed to do here that You have spared me?" "What will it take to make sense of this and move forward?" "If God has kept me hear to serve, Then what do I need to do to perform that service that will ultimately fulfill my life's purpose?" I know, I bit heavy for this - so save it and re-read when you are in a place that it will be more relevant to you. In the meantime - Heal and take care of yourself.
Blessings and Love, Angela DiRe Heske
Thank you Angela, your words mean a great deal to me. I am working hard for a personal peace and waiting to sense my new purpose...I know there has got to be a lesson in all this somewhere.
ReplyDeleteIt is the kindness of others and their heartfelt sentiments that carry me from moment to moment...so thank you again.