I keep a countdown of my own these days, only mine doesn't seem to help with anything, it just is a reminder...a reminder of how long we have been separated, how long it has been since we have been in each others arms. A reminder of how much time has passed since I laughed with, and hugged one of my very best friends, since we toasted to our lives that we were loving so much. It is a reminder of how much time has passed since you and she left, and I stayed. A reminder of how many days I have cried hard tears for you, for Evelyn, for me, for our families...for our kids.
So here it is...Silly, I know, but there it is in terms you can relate to my love.
3 months or 13.1 weeks
92 days or 2, 208 hours
132,480 minutes or 7, 948, 800 seconds
Life is good, I have always said so. I have worked very hard to always see it that way, no matter what. This circumstance won't change that, cannot change that...I won't let it.
I still feel that life is good. I know that I am a little lost right now, having a very difficult time seeing through to the light but I must do it. I must see the good in everything or ALL of this will have been for nothing. I know there is a reason I was left to walk away.
David, I am so sad and broken. Some days I don't feel like I can even stand up but I do. I do it all and I don't think most people I see would even know how bad off I am right now. I work hard at being 'normal', everyone has enough on their own plates, they don't need to worry about me too. Besides, this is my gig, my experience, my journey. There isn't one single thing anyone could do or say to change it for me. I am the creator of my own life. Only I can choose to lay down and cower from what the universe throws at me...or stand as tall as I can, with my chin held high and tears in my eyes...and dance. And I choose to dance, to love life, to gaze at the beauty of this world that I live in, to stand in awe by the ocean as I have always done. I choose to live for me, for my family, for my friends...I choose to live for you my love and for Evelyn.
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| Ours...2010 |
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| Evelyn |
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| Best Sisters... |
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| Best friends... |
I may no longer have the privilege to have you at my side for all of my life, or to gaze into your beautiful beautiful face, or to smell that wondrous scent that is uniquely you, or to lay my hands on you and kiss your perfect mouth. But I have all those moments, from when I was lucky enough to have it all with you, stored safely inside my soul. I go there often and I break down hard when I do... for the loss, for the joy, for the beauty of it all. And when I leave that place and come back to the now, I smile and wipe away the tears, because I know that I was so very very lucky and so very blessed that you loved me so deeply. That you spent so much time looking for me, that you found me, and that we were husband and wife...we were David and Kristen Machado.
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| L O V E |
Woo Hoo! How freaking lucky am I?
So thank you my David, thank you for finding me, for loving me and for giving me what we had. I hope that where you live you are happy, safe, free and whole again. That you can see me and watch over me and that you know how adored you are. You are a special, special man.
And David...I hope you still dance too.
Peace, love and happiness on this 92nd day.
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