Hello my love

Words are failing me.

For so long I have felt compelled to post to you on facebook.  For so long I have done just that...almost as if it was normal.  Almost as if I were in Arkansas and you were in Rhode Island, like I so often was during our life together.  

Now I'm finding that the words aren't right.  The intention is there, but the words don't mean what I feel.  The words don't come close to describing how I feel.

'I miss you'.  HA.  How ridiculous does that sound?  I miss being able to eat M & M's, I miss watching Friends, I miss my childhood...but miss you?  God, what I'm feeling, the feeling inside me goes so far beyond that and I don't know a word to describe it.

I have become so in tuned to the inside of me, for example...

I can feel my heart.  I can feel exactly where it sits, It feels like a GIGANTIC blob of chewed up bubble gum.  Not fully hardened, but not soft and squishy either...It is sore all the time, it aches like a muscle that has been tormented at the gym.

I can feel my lungs.  They don't seem to work correctly any longer and I find that my breathing is far too shallow.    I have to pay close attention or suddenly I find that I am gasping for air.

My eyes and ears and nose.  I have come to know that they are directly linked to my heart and at any given moment, no matter where I am or what I am doing, a sight, a sound, a smell can send me spiraling downward.  I cannot escape from any of it...it is everywhere...my grief is every which way I turn.

So words like...'I miss you' or 'I love you' are just too foolishly small to describe what I truly am trying to convey. 

I am longing for you...

I am craving you...

I am dieing little by little without you...

I am suffocating for wanting you...

I am breaking into a million little pieces for loving you...

So yeah...I miss you and I love you in a way that can't be communicated well by me

You are adored, you are wished upon, you are longed for and you are cherished.

That's all...

xoxo - Me