I'm stuck.
Feelings and emotions are stuck.
In the beginning it seemed I was able to pour out my feelings, whether spoken or written. But now, now I feel stuck to get a thought down.
Nobody knows. Nobody knows what is inside of me.
What I have thus far admitted and what is actually true are two vastly different realities. What you see is just the pretty dress I don to be presentable in public, the rug if you will, that I have swept the mess that is me under.
The depths of my pain, my emotions, my fears...all of it are just something there are no words for. If I wanted to tell I wouldn't be able for I was never taught the words used to describe such hell...not in school...not in life. I am 46 and I have no words to my knowledge that can be used to speak of what is happening inside of me. That reality is a frightening one.
Even universal symbols have not been created for me to use here. Hold your temples and everyone knows...headache. Hold your belly and everyone knows...stomachache. Hold your throat and everyone knows...choking.
What do you do when inside the vehicle that is your body, you are in excruciating, life altering, mind blowing, gut wrenching, unspeakable pain? What are the words? What are the symbols? How do I tell? How can anyone know? How can anyone help when there are no words?
I log on to your fb page...often...I need to talk to you when I wake and before I sleep at night. I need to tell you how I walked through my day. It is something I have felt compelled to do from the moment I came home from the hospital...almost like I couldn't find you anywhere but I knew I would find you here. On that rock, the white, it ripped away my life...it didn't take me...but it took my life. All that was, just mere seconds before, is now gone. All of it...gone in the blink of an eye. So I log on to your fb page often, I look at what is no longer, I look at the pictures of all that was taken from me, you, our hopes, our dreams, our spoken words, our glances, everything we shared each and every day, and I think that...well, I think...You found me here...just maybe I will find you here.
I want to find you here.
Hi Kristen, I go to Gloucester a lot as my wife is from the area. I know Brace Cove well. My heart breaks for you every time I go to Cape Ann; I hope you can fins the strength you need.
ReplyDeleteThank you Kenny. The area out behind and to the far right of the retreat is where we were that day. It is beautiful for around there for sure and dangerous at the same time. They are erecting a rescue platform with a roped life ring near the exact spot very soon, in honor of David and Evelyn. It will have a plate with their names engraved on it too. Maybe you will see it one day.
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