July 19th

Well my love, this trip is done.  I sent my little boy back to his father tonight and it hurts all over again.  I feel so deeply sad for him.  I swear I don't know how I'm standing upright these days. There is just way too much on my shoulders and it's all getting far too heavy.

For some reason, today, out of the blue, I thought of that night.  Sitting cold and soaking wet in the police station, a complete and total mess...making phone calls.  I remember dialing numbers, erasing digits, having to dial other numbers instead, who to call?  what to say? how to say it all?  I know I called Kate but I don't remember a single work spoken...Tracy, again, I don't know what I said but I will never forget her end of the line as long as I live...Gillian too, no idea what was said, but her end of the line I will never forget either.  I couldn't call the boys because I didn't want to tell them directly...I wanted to tell their Mom first and I didn't have her number. Then my Mom.  I only remember the beginning...Me..."Hi Mum", her..."Hi honey, how are you?", me..."Not good."  That is all I remember.  And the officer with me, he kept asking if I needed anything and finally I just said a glass of water and some chapstick.  He didn't have chapstick but I got the water, two cups in fact.  Then he left and I was passed off to two State Investigators. When Kate finally came, she gave me her cherry chapstick. Then when we were walking out to go to the hospital the officer came back and asked if I still needed the chapstick, because he went out and bought me some.  That was so nice of him.  I felt so bad for him having to be with me  all those hours, sitting and watching and listening to me fall apart.  I asked him if he was married and he said not yet, but soon.  He was engaged.  I told him to go home and hold on to his girl very tight because tomorrow is not promised to us.  At the end of the night I wished him luck and love in his marriage.  He was very nice to me.

That is what I thought of today...for some reason.

I'm not doing well David, I don't feel well.  I want this to all be over and I want you to come home and walk up behind me and turn me around and kiss me like you did every single day we were together.  I desperately miss every single thing about you,  especially the annoying stuff.  Go figure.  God David...go figure.