July 16th

I will think of you today...like I always do.  Your name will fit in to so many conversations like normal, as it should be.  It is then, when things feel so normal (whatever normal is) that the heavy fist of reality hits me square in the face and I am reminded that you are not waiting for me in Rhode Island, you are not waiting for me anywhere (well, maybe somewhere) and that this 'feeling' that lives inside of me is forever.  You knwo what else I realize?  I miss me.

I write to yo here because I have to.  I absolutely without a doubt have to and the thought of not sirs up sickness inside.  I write to you here because it helps me...maybe it is a form of denial, I don't know.  I just know that I have to do it.  I don't care who sees or who judeges or who things it's strange..I just don't care.  I do this for me and for mine, it is what helps keep me here wit them and not there with you.  I do this because I absolutely have to.  It helps me count my blessings.  I love you my David John Machado, God how I do.  I escaped the mountain with Mom today...we needed a break.  On the way in Mom said "It's beautiful out today."  It really wasn't, it was the type of day where you wait all day for the thunderstorm that doesn't come, but I said "yeah, it is", and I looke around and took a minute to be present in the moment...to see the beauty around us and to be thankful for this time with my Mother.  we are having a tough time out here and just right then we needed to see the ugly dark storm coulds as beautiful and we did.  It lightened the mood and it helped us step outside of our heads and come back to the hear and now.

We shopped for a bit, ate some lunch and talked a lot.  We laughed.  We joked.  We sat still and silent with ourselves...and then felt well enough to return to the mountain.  I miss spending time with my Mom, I have huge fuilt for not being here for her, for living so far away.  I'm just like that though.  

She asked how I'm doing, and said she is sad to see the me Iam now.  She sees something in my face that I do not, the sadness, the strain around my eyes and the pain.  I guess it has a color...purple...who knew.  I'm sorry I'm not able to hide that part of me better.  I don't want to worry my Mom.  Things have changed.  A lot.  There is no going back.  Only forward...and i can only do my best.

I love you my David, my husband, my boyfriend...I love you like nothing ever before.  Goodnight sweet man.


Evelyn's Page

Hello my dear sweet friend.  Are you there?  do you hear me call your name?  My God Evelyn...I can't stop thinking about those moments, I can't stop seeing those moments.  I have so many freaking questions and no damn answers and it's driving me crazy.  I'm not always thinking about it  but I'll be walking or driving or just sitting and all of a sudden I'm back on the rock and I see  you and I can't figure out what the hell is going on.  I just wish I knew...I love you sister, I miss you, I cry for you and I pray you are okay.